When divorce is not enough, move to So.Ca: March 2012

3/26/12 I begin to head off to Sonoma County for my appearance in which my X has filed CONTEMPT motions on me…..meanwhile, my X has not paid his full court ordered amount of child support---- the issues he has brought against me are easily argued / explained away, and clearly lacking the necessary intent required. Anyone with a reasonable mind will be able to determine such, beyond a reasonable doubt. I have never willfully disobeyed an order of the court. “Willfully disobeying a court order” sounds pretty clear. There is an order and you did not comply with such order, hence you “disobeyed” it. ”willfully” is not as clear to identify, however that is what trials are for. It can be a court trial, where it is heard by only the judge and the judge determines if your behavior / intent was “willful”, or a jury trial where its decided upon by a pool of your peers if your conduct was willfully disobedient. So, heading into court on 3/26 after consulting with several attorneys and doing lotsa DIY research I know my agenda was simple, should our kids Dads Divorce Attorney (DDA) and my X decide to pursue this matter. My Agenda was to answer to the Judge by assuring him I have not willfully disregarded any court order, I am not guilty of any such action (they) presented, and I am afraid I can not answer any questions as to such for fear of self incrimination and request a court appointed attorney because I can not afford one of my own. So, I did that. I pretty much said that. I was appointed an attorney. I did make mention that my X has not paid his child support per the order, that DDA is manipulating and exploiting my x, and that DDA just served me again prior to this hearing, oh and that I live in San Diego. Attorney appointed, hearing set for 4/9/12.

{{Oh and when one states they are not going to pay certain child support amounts due, as ordered by the court-- I think a reasonable person would deem that to be a WILLFUL disobedience of the law. }}

So where’s the DRUM, DRUM, DRAAAMMAAA…… well…let me start from the beginning, I left my home in the early morning to catch the flight from SAN to SFO. All was good, despite my being awake all night long, until-- I read my boarding pass! My boarding pass said boarding at 5:48... I didn't read my boarding pass when I printed it out….so there was lesson #1for the day, read your boarding pass, in its entirety when you have printed it out!--so, I’m standing in a line that is parallel to the circular shape of SAN hundreds of people long. I notice the time, 5:56a , my flight takes off at 6:23, ha. This is when I read the boarding time of 5:48, OMG it hit me. First in the head-OH S*** I feel a piercing pain across my head, I might not make my flight! Then my heart beat begins to accelerate, so the hit drops to my heart , ouch, I’m not going to make it. Lastly to my stomach I cant make it. Oh man, next flight there was a 8ish flight, maybe no seats? I cant pay more? Well Judge Boyd is understandable he will reschedule when I call and let them know I missed my flight. Maybe he will let me do telephone appearance since I have missed my flight. There I stood brain storming, problem solving, resigned to the fact that I have missed my flight again, and allowing my self to simply accept the situation and circumstance I was in. I was disappointed, yes. I was angry, a little yes, I was even embarrassed I knew what the reaction of my daughter as well as my x would be when they would learn I remained in San Diego because I missed my flight. (they would not be surprised) (I am too old for this silly stuff). Anyway, getting hysterical would do me no good, getting stressed to a paralyzing level would not benefit me either so I chose to accept the situation I was fully responsible for. It’s my fault. I didn't read the boarding pass, I didn't arrive early enough. No excuses it’s that simple. Accept it, deal with it, get on with it. During all this internal bantering my ego was present enough to hear a security call out for 6:23 flights, without a thought “that’s me” I yell in a panic with desperation radiating from my whole being, she looks at my ticket and says you better hurry to that line now….and so I ran, and I ran, again, glad I wore my flats and packed the heels, and I made it…or did I? we still have to go thru the machines AGH…. The time is 6:13!!! Security tells me to RELAX your fine. I feel my chest open enough to allow a deep breath really (I think?). Then I decided he really doesn't know for sure so back to the stressed out heart constricted state of being I went. Ah man, shaking and sweating and everything, can you please move faster….is all I could think…finally I made it in…and I ran, and I ran again… gate 12 there it is I slow my run as I see the door is shut there is not a soul there, WTH it took off before 6:23, last I looked it was only 6:18, well der, boarding was at 5:48. O what a let down, I approached United Staff demanding to know did I miss my flight, oh that’s gate 15.. Errr a gate change and no one told me!-- I turn towards gate 15 and again, I run, yet I see several people straggling in. Oh good god thank you…. WOW. I made it on. ---- that is how my journey to Sonoma County for Noble v Noble began, a true collision course. It was quite an intense, adrenaline pumping start, I wouldn't consider it to be a dramatic morning, no, the dramatics began when I entered Sonoma County Superior Court .

With the accompaniment of two of the smartest young women I know, I approached the courtroom hall and there sat DDA and my x. What happened next is still a complete mystery to me. I walked towards DDA providing a very gracious greeting. I spit out a rambling of insincere salutations such as “hello Mr.DDA, how wonderful to see you again. How are you doing? Are you ready for today?” etc. honestly I cant even remember what else I said, other than I remember extending my hand out to shake his, and smiling so largely and speaking so loudly. This was the most flamboyant self I have ever experienced. While I was being way over the top I was thinking to myself “what in the hell are you doing? Omg. Stop. Whoa…this is not me….” I saw my X turn his head and mumble something to the effect of “oh my …whatever”. I don’t think anyone has seen me act that way unless I was drunk. (in which case those I would be among would likely also be drunk and no one would notice anything odd) I tried to self analyze and self assess on the spot when my behavior and dialogue was not the sort I easily recognized. And then while I watched DDA's response he looked stunned, almost shocked, his forehead squinted as stared right into my eyes, he was speechless. I’m pretty sure he was probably thinking “has she lost her mind”. Then I consciously realized I got something I wanted in an unconscious manner, which was disturbing the expectation / or otherwise comfort zone of DDA. Once I noticed he was probably wondering if I had lost my mind, I decided I had better pull it together before a sheriffs deputy comes to assess me. (and also after my friend in a very concerned manner, repeated numerous reminders to “calm down”. I was fine, but it was time to return to being me. So that was some fer sure dramatics on the part of my self! I like to think I am a no drama mama, however that display was pure drama in the most theatrical manner!…what follows intensifies the days experience.

First DDA hands me a letter type written from my X. I am not sure what it says as I didn't really read it in its entirety. I read a few of the first lines and it says something about “stop this XYZ or I will take legal action”, there was nothing to stop so it was pointless, although I think there was something on that letter about his seeking custody of Jake, which would be the end of Jacob and again not an issue to worry about at this present time. So I basically laughed it off with a whatever. And then DDA amplified the scene up by serving me with another motion. This blew me away. I was not expecting this. And certainly not in this manner. My reactions to these happenings were definitely dramatic in nature, however, the way I handled them, (far from ‘perfect’) was definitely my choosing. I said, “you have to be kidding you are going to serve me now.” I quickly looked to the date a hearing in June over child custody, well right away I knew mediation would come first and again I don’t need to worry about anything at this point. Mediation will help assist the arrangements for visitation. Why does DDA have to serve me without first addressing the issue? Well because he only files motions, has me served then intimidates me (or attempts to) in the court room. Why does he serve me before our hearing, well what better way to trigger an already emotionally charged person? I looked at the motion further and read where it states he wants uninterrupted time with our 3 children and I kinda chuckled because he has not had uninterrupted time with our 3 children since he threw Karma in 2010. This seems so odd to me. I thought my x and I were going to meet prior to the hearing to confirm visitation arrangements for him. Instead he serves me? And to make matters worse, as if it wasn't bad enough, the mediation date set for said motion is May 3, which for the love of irony, is the date we married, May 3. OMG I think May 3^rd really? We are going to mediate on May 3^rd 2012, wow, perhaps life is nothing other than making the turn full circle? (and here’s a closing to one loop?) There is much dramatics from both DDA and I prior to our hearing, the fireworks were not as flaring and the sound effects were manageable but the heat was definitely turned up. -- I took some time to breath and washed my hands in the rest room, to wash away all that dramatic nonsense and attempted to motivate my self into a more responsible composure. I emerged and was ready to rumble on in the court room. I entered the courtroom and the seating was scarce I chose to sit a seat away from my x. As we sat waiting for the proceedings to start I reached my arm out towards my x and I said “it doesn't have to be like this. We can work things out, if you want to we can make things work. We don’t have to go thru all this”, and I was sincere. I was so sincere and my words were so heartfelt, again I almost didn't know how those words were leaving my mouth. He just said “no it doesn't have to be like this” and that was all.

****Diversion…..(several weeks back there was an occurrence in which our son called his dad and some things that were very hard for our son to say were said, things that his therapist had encouraged him to share -verbally instead of acting out physically. It was a huge moment for our son. And I felt like my x had failed our son with his response and behavior in regards to our sons expression of his feelings. At this point, I realized I was still hoping my x would change. I was hoping he would be a responsive and nurturing parent. He was himself. And he is not a responsive or a nurturing parent. My frustration was felt and known by our son, which in turn upset our son and I was the one to ‘blame’ in all this. That was an eye-opening occurrence for me, cause I thought my eyes were pretty wide open here in beautiful So.Ca. but I had a blind spot, and within that blind spot lied my desire, my hope, my fantasy for our children to be loved and valued by their father, as much as I love and value them. That isn't going to happen. And our son didn't need to be upset, if I had not had a reaction to his dads response. That night I laid awake thinking why was I reactive like that when I have no expectations of my X, then I asked myself how could I have avoided having a reaction. As I brewed over that conundrum a light bulb moment went on and I realized I have to forgive my x. For everything. My forgiveness of my x is not for the benefit of my x. It is for the benefit of our children, and it is for the serenity of myself. Since that day I have been practicing forgiveness of my x. It is a practice that takes work. I made several nice phone calls to him and e mails and I even began answering the phone when he calls for the children. I put out an offer to end the animosity between us involving DDA and the legal issues several times. He was unresponsive to my offer. (So much so he hung up on me when he called our daughters hospital room). Tangent over.

I was sincere then about forgiving him and I remain sincere now. I have to tell myself sometimes repeatedly “I forgive him, I forgive him… yes I do”. When I literally extended my arm to him Monday in the courtroom and offered an end to the unnecessary conflict, it was the last time. I will make no more offerings, well except that, after the court hearing (which I haven’t even addressed yet) I called my x and left a very nice message letting him know if he wanted to talk about arranging a visit as we had planned to , we can still do that, I would be in town for a couple more hours. -- that was the last attempt on my part, that was the last offering for establishing reasonable co-parenting relations from me. Should he assert himself, or initiate any action that resembles a sincere desire to genuinely co parent our children, I will be receptive. However, the onus is on him…..

So, after the hearing which lasted all of about 5 minutes, providing me an opportunity to share with the judge that I can not pay my rent, nor pay my babysitters because my x is not paying his child support, I ended with meeting my task at hand, which was retaining a qualified, competent attorney to assist me with these bogus matters of contempt.

It should have ended there for the day.

I sat in the gallery of the court room and DDA entered motioning for my presence (omy god what does he possibly want now I think to myself). We step outside into the family law courtroom hall of hell. DDA asks me what is my “proposal” to provide to resolve the matter at hand. I’m shocked. What proposal? I tell him I wasn't expecting any resolve from him since he doesn't talk to me on the phone, he hangs up on me, after he yells at me, and he doesn't return e mail. Offering a proposal is not something I thought of. I quickly think why does he want to take a proposal back to my x to resolve this matter without a trial. Oh, cuz he knows with a REAL attorney representing me he hasn't a chance in hell to prevail. I tell him I don’t know if I want to resolve, I would take greater pleasure out of watching you being humiliated and smeared in the public courtroom when my attorney defends me. I explain to DDA how I showed the motion to several attorneys and each one had the same response, which was “what is he doing”, which was my response when I first read the motions. DDA asked me what my response to the claims they made would be. I shared with him some reasons of what I considered why the criteria of “willful” wont be met. There stood DDA and I again, in a dramatic conflictual exchange. He attempted to intimidate me with the law and I refuted every point. I repeatedly told him he didn't scare me, and he cant intimidate me. At one point DDA admitted he was glad I was not scared of him. I agreed (in my head), because this was indeed a battle of wits and wills, and the power of persuasion works wonders as does the ability to intimidate one into submission. I’m not falling for either of those so we’re left with 3 devices to work with 1) the law 2) our wits and 3) our will. I come up quite short on the law as a device to use, but no more, now that I have an attorney appointed to represent me. ----- (however, with wits and will I definitely tip the scales!)

So after DDA and I tussle the same matters around and around in a mutually most aggressive, obnoxious, intimidating manner it is ended with his telling me he will take the proposal to my X and he will call me on Thursday to let me know if we have reached an agreement or not…….(Midway thru this ‘conference’ of DDA and I my X interrupted the debate with a physical push onto DDA's shoulder saying, “I’m done. I’m done with this now. I want to go. Come on. Lets go…” he had a very aggressive demanding tone and his facial expression was one I have seen many times, and its scary. (as I write this I think as its scary to me how must it have felt for our children?- terrifying?). I may have acted a bit erratic in the beginning of this set of stupidity, but I can contain myself, my x on the other hand is volatile. At least he did remove himself before damage was done. (but sadly this is his modes operandi --- threaten, intimidate, if not satisfied with results, abandonment.

A couple of things here, one I don’t trust that DDA would in fact take any proposal to my x, because I do believe he is that dirty of an attorney, he could have said so only to please the judge if and when asked “did you attempt to resolve” (because in the courtroom hearing before the judge I stated I had tried to communicate but DDA was unresponsive). Or, will he in fact take the proposal to my x and tell him to agree to the terms simply because it is the RIGHT thing to do? I don’t know, what I do know is that DDA should not have been talking to me at all after the hearing-once council was appointed to me. And I also know that DDA ‘cant’ call me Thursday, because I have representation now. So was DDA just using time for more billable hours to my x’s account??? ----- Had my X been doing the right thing we wouldn't be in the situation we are in now. Had DDA been doing my X right we wouldn't be in the situation we are in now. Had my x and I been doing our kids right, we wouldn't be in this situation now. It is true you can not take actions or words back once you have done or said them. You can however, take the right actions going forward J .

My Blog. My first "official" Blog! I write, I write a lot. I think even more. I think about writing, often. I have a list of awesome book titles waiting to be put to work. I have several pieces "in process". One piece is on divorcing parents- and what not to do--- (that is not the title i don't want to share the real title right yet!)-- i began working on this piece while providing co parenting mediation for highly stressed individuals, then as the universe works in its mysteriously ironic ways i was interrupted with the co-parenting issues and the divorce of my own.

My Divorce Drama began in 2009, or more accurately put my divorce was filed for in 2009, the drama was what held my marriage together for far too long. Does that make sense? Well, its true. And sadly there are many others who are 'stuck' in this drama filled tunnel of what they refer to as life. But i will blog more about that tunnel, my dramatic marriage and feelings of stuckness later on...that will be near the end of this tale of My Divorce Drama...

You see, one would think you divorce, settle the legal issues of custody, and property distribution etc. and with some time the emotions that wreck havoc during this time period will settle...and as you grieve the loss you soon can accept the failure and your new reality and at that point continue on with your life, as you would like. Often this is the case and many times the divorced parents are in fact better parents and even friends after the divorce dust has settled and their living their lives their way. Sometimes, however, there is a parent or both parents who by their nature have organic impairments or other pathology present which impedes if not prevents their ability to accept and continue on with their life. I consider this psychological dysfunction to be a severe mental dis-ease. This can be something genetic or it can be the result of external factors; for instance addiction or PTSD. Nonetheless it is Dysfunctional. As in Divorce Drama Dysfunction...

My blog- When divorce is not enough, move to So.Ca may sound like an escape or a potion to avoid circumstances. It is not. It is a story of freedom..and triumph....once the Divorce Drama ends...(the optimist that i am i am intending it shall end)

It is the sharing of circumstances and experiences that have unfolded during my Divorce Drama. I am going to start with the present and go back..like a good story does.... I hope this drama will end in 2012....*if my X would replace his attonery with a competent one who is not a drama king bully himself I think the drama could cease. Sadly, i have contempt towards my x husbands attorney, for reasons you will discover if you continue the read. As for my x husband, i feel sorry for him. Like a chronic victim does. He's placed himself in such a position that I feel (and those closest to me) feel that he is being exploited and manipulated by his attorney, yet he is held together by denial so I pity him....which is what we do with chronic victims we feel sorry for them. Once we say "I feel sorry for him/her..." its too late.. the chronic victim has caught us in their web of deceitful dysfunction which will only result in Drama, and should you marry him/her-hopefully your relationship with a chronic victim will end.... even if its sure to end in a Divorce Drama.... and a dramatic future if there are children involved (and probably even if there are no children), no matter, no worries a Divorce Drama still = freedom and a triumph for the one whose been victimized by the chronic victim.