May 3, 2009

<<<<<Well looking for a doc. in my harddrive i came across this 'poem' I knew the copy i had i threw away when i was packing to move to So.Cal. I'm kinda glad i found this.....its still as fitting now as it was 3 years ago when i wrote it. and wow so much change has occurred... well for the Noble Family of 4 so much has changed, all wonderful and for the better!---- as far as the 'husband' it seems he actually hasn't changed except for the worse as far as parenting and co parenting responsibilities go. --- and i continue to move forward with lots of hope!

May 3, 2009

6 years ago today you took my hand and heart your way.
It was a new beginning for a song that had long lost its beat.
We shared laughter and tears
in the hopes of together riding out the remainder of our fears.

In my heart i believed we would be different,
we would last and change the legacy of our families past. 
But in my head, oh how i did dread so many things,
not to mention the tossing of your ring.
I thought i could do it, I could make it work.
I could accept you and the situation and with that make the best of it.

the love in our marriage was carried thru Brianna, Jacob and Karma. Somewhere along the line i lost you and knew eventually we would be through.
I tried and tried despite how you lied and lied.
It wasn't with purpose that you meant to hurt me,
I know it was all just to overwhelming for you to see.\

Its true actions speak louder than words
but boy your words certainly leave a sting.

There is so much that I am responsible for.
Once it was known to me, I had an improved ability to see.
together we tried, sometimes we even cried (well i did),
but be it as it were not even Seattle or Vegas could provide us with a cure.

I don't know how and when through the ups and downs the decision was made and soon the remains of this day would begin to fade.

Last year we were in Vegas and it was great
but upon return, in no time did it turn to hate.
This is our history, our legacy we hand down to our children.
It is with them in mind, I know this is right, they no longer need to be a part of the fight.

the way I want to live doesn't seem to match that of your choosing.
theres no more energy to give,
cuz we just keep on losing.
Its time to dissolve the vows we took, thereby letting both of us off the hook.

though the children we still share, they will forever be our mutual care.
I hope we can be better parents to them divorced,
than when we were husband and wife.
the time has come for my role as wife to end, and yours as husband to seize.

it would be great at some point if we could be each others friend.
But for now its time for my head and heart to begin to mend.

I am moving on, as much as it sucks to be alone I feel no different than when you were still living at home.

there is possibility and opportunity now, for us both
let us move forward with lots of  hope

Adios Amigo----Auf Wiedersehen

You probably expected me to fail,
 however it appears I continue to prevail.

You may have thought by default I would return,
However that is not the case as you soon would learn.

I have long outgrown you, I no longer know how you think.
Or why you act the way you do.

Our children represent a permanent link
connecting you and I........

I will likely continue to ask myself "why" ...
Why can't you accept and let go,
Forgive and let live.

The role you play continues to be a harmful one,
if only you could understand how much damage has been done.

The trouble I am in, is not what will do me in.
For in my future, I do see another great win.

The pains of the past return against my will,
it is these memories that allow me to get by---
when I think about how everything was such a lie.

Walking in the truth now, no denial in the way
no worry later, there's always a better day.

No matter what, here we are,
sadly we are not very far.

We are responsible for 3 others
all because we made the intoxicated mistake of becoming lovers.

I wonder if sobriety was in our life, would we have ever become husband and wife.

While sex may have been great its not enough for a relationship to make
intercourse does not equal intimacy,
it is an intimate connection that really is the key.

You have to know yourself
before you can know another-
otherwise you'll find yourself in relationship with a(nother) substitute mother

You probably think you are responsible,
but your really just a game playing fool.

I am glad there will be no more bio kids for you,
since you have little idea of what a fathers to do.
Try as you may perhaps you will figure it out some day--
that day is not here nor is it near ----

I only wish you had the heart to pay.

Till Death Do You Part……5/3/03 - 5/3/12

　

　
We married on May 3, 2003. It was a nice date. The weather had some rain in the a.m. but by the time our ceremony at St.James took place the rain was done. We had a short limo ride from the church to the now defunct golf course where our reception was held. - So, we made a little detour-- first we drove to the Dominos on McDowell blvd. this would be the location that first brought Francis and I together. He was the manager and I was a tip loving driver! (Back in the days when Dominos did guarantee you 30 mins or less and before other pizzas began delivering too!) We then drove thru the small city that we both had lived in for over 32 years! The limo driver was a cutie who always had a smile on his face! When he arrived at my house I was delighted to see that I knew him! (well kinda knew him) he was the driver for me and several others on a whirlwind getaway a few months prior- as part of a reward for being TOP money makers selling TupperwareJ ) when I opened the door and saw it was mark all I could think is Wow! It is such a small world! ----

Anyway, back to the day of our wedding… it was I assume as most day of weddings are-- there is anxiety yet excitement- there is smiles and tears-I don’t think there is usually doubt and regret but that is what I had carried within me despite all outward appearances.

When we arrived at the church I was pretty much ready to be done with this and let the party begin and the take off to HI for our honeymoon! I love Hawaii! Although when we were on our honeymoon I was very hurt that we had a fight---over a flower delivery to his parents for their anniversary, (I actually don’t know if they ever received those flowers or not). I remember thinking this is suppose to be the happiest time for us- not a time to fight especially over something so inconsequential. And despite the fact that I basically tailor made our tour plans to please him i still couldnt wait for our trip to begin. I still love Hawaii. I admit, I am easy, always have been and hope to always be. And as in declaring myself “easy” I mean easy going, easy to be entertained etc. I simply am easily amused!---

It was a smallish wedding with wonderful people in it and in attendance. I think I pulled my dad up the aisle, he was tugging on me saying slow down, I was bolting! the attention of everyone on me was too much (which is kinda ironic as I thrive off being the center of attention, I am one of those ‘loves to give speeches‘ kinda people!) ----

When Father Michael announced us as husband and wife the dj played James Brown “I Feel Good” . That was un expected change of shake up that moved everyone I think literally and figurative!
The reception at now defunct golf course was amazing! My friends decorated and it looked beautiful. Open bar, awesome catering, great d.j., video- and photographer! When I look at the pictures and remember how smooth everything went I have to admit it was rather story like in deed. I know this is because I had very wonderful people in my life and the day would not have been as incredible as it was with out them.--

-- When we (the wedding party) arrived at the reception area, we had selected the most appropriate music to announce the members of the wedding party--I remember we played the boys are back in town and pretty woman. Our flower children walked out into the background of “who let the dogs out” (maybe you had to be there?) and when we- were introduced what did we walk out to… hand in hand, arms in the air----LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE… wow little did I know a rumble was in deed what I was about to embark upon. An eternal boxing match,  V. Noble v.  F. Noble with unlimited rounds to an impossible victory. One has money, one has smarts last one breathing holds the title.

　
　
------ as the rounds in the Noble rumble continue, this May 3, 2012 Francis and I met up again, this time in the halls of Sonoma County Family Law Hall of Shame, -- (not court but mediation, I reserve the Family Law Court Rooms as being referred to as the Family Law Hall of Hell, mediation is more accurately stated as the Family Law Hall of Shame-- since that is what one feels when their in it. Either we feel our own, so we feel ashamed or we are subjected to our co-parents accusations and dialogue which often either attempts to shame us or does shame us. -- Anyway, as is our dynamic we come from opposite sides, I entered the courthouse from the back door and he entered from the front door we were walking towards each other in the center of the building (where the family law mediator office is) he says “huh so you showed up after all”, (I think what the hell? Me show up?? I will always show up for my kids!!). Its kind of funny since every legal proceeding I tell my friends “I wont be surprised if he doesn’t show up”, so far he has shown up to all of them, he doesn’t last but he at least makes an appearance. Anyway, I say “I think its this way” as I walk down the corner he stops thinks about following (which is his most comfortable position, “the follower”, then I realize I was wrong (it happens), then I say, “oh no your right, I’m wrong its this way”, at this point he is looking at his papers for the address of the meeting, I handed him the invoice with receipts etc. for April. (He is suppose to pay ½ the expenses etc. he hasn’t paid since August 2011. )

I entered the mediators office, checked in talked with the gal at the desk we have become friendly now since I have had to call a few times she’s familiar with me as “the one living in San Diego“. I could have done mediation over the telephone, however I didn’t feel comfortable with that. I am more comfortable with doing a telephone appearance for the actual court date with the judge, because my Ex's lawyer (lead divorce drama attorney) will be there and the judge really focuses on the mediators report , so it is this, the mediators recommendation that is most important in my opinion. I wanted to feel confident in the process, this mediator does not know any of us, yet their recommendation has such high stakes for the future of all of us.

In making small talk with Lana I complain about the rain in Nor Cal and point out the only jacket I brought (its not really even a jacket! it’s a very thin zip up!), I say this is certainly not San Diego! she laughs and says , “thats funny”, I say, “no really you know whats funny? --” then enters Francis so I stop talking then he exits, and I resume, “what’s funny is that we were married on May 3rd” she laughs and says, “that is funny!” A man sitting in the lobby also laughed in amusement. Yes it is funny, we were married on 5/3/03 and here we are in mediation renegotiating child visitation issues on 5/3/12.

The paperwork consists of a form that says its for “statistical purposes” it’s a survey of sorts on domestic violence. There is also a question asking if you would like to mediate alone (without the co parent) due to domestic violence issues. While I was completing my form, listing all the ways I am a victim of domestic violence, (there are many forms of domestic violence / domestic abuse such as physical, verbal, emotional, economic, spiritual, stalking) Francis entered back in through the door and walked towards the admin and not waiting for eye contact from her he blurts out in a rushed, hostile tone, “I want to change my answer”, I don’t think she ever looked up and simply said, “ok”. I sat there observing his mini dramatic gesture and thought wow that was weird. What answer did he want to change? The one about us meeting together despite an acknowledgement by us both that domestic violence exists in our relationship.-- anyway I asked nothing, cared little. I also knew this was something that he might do, it is an option. Nothing out of the realm of possibility would surprise me with Francis. He almost always fails to do what he says he will do. He almost never does what a reasonable person would expect him to do. He disregards our children almost completely. He uses  his attorney as his weapon of choice. ----Anyway, the mediator informs me that she will be meeting with us individually per his request. I had a chuckle about it since he is the aggressor who is still yielding whatever power possible over me and our children, yet he wants to play the victim card. I was fine with that, it actually means something may get accomplished since when we had mediation in 2/2011 the mediator almost ended the session barely 10 mins in due to the volatile behavior of Francis. That mediator specifically told him “you have negative intimacy issues with her and that has nothing to do with your children”, I sat there not surprised by his behavior or her identification of the dynamic and Francis pointed at me and yelled, “so does she!”. I just sat there looking at him making a total fool out of himself, embarrassing himself but more so allowing his ‘true colors’ to show. No wonder our children have PTSD, no wonder I am still traumatized. I cant speak to the aftereffect on Francis, as I cant speak to the effect on him period, because nothing seems to effect him. Stone cold face, the only feeling one can sense from him is anger, rage, intimidation. Over dinner, the day before mediation my adult daughter, his former step daughter (from age 13 onward) confided that she only remembers hearing him speak in an intense hostile tone or loudly yelling. She had a half smile as she recalled her experience yet -- sadly, when I thought about her comment I had to agree. He has little ‘in between’ he is either threatening and intensely hostile or avoidantly passive or passively avoidant. I have been told several times from professionals that Francis just sat there looking like a little boy in the principals office when he has attended meetings on behalf of our children absent my presence. I was his mouth piece during the marriage, now his attorney is-- but that’s another blog away!---

Finally----when my turns comes to talk with the mediator she says “he is agreeable to your proposal” I take a deep breath, sit back and with frustration I then ask “then why are we are”. She asks me if we have been able to negotiate terms before I say “no. because his attorney refuses to communicate with me”. (and of course Francis doesn’t cooperate at all) I wont divulge the details of visitation other than to say I proposed such terms in November 2011 in an e mail. And again I outlined them with more clarity in April when I filed a personal conduct restraining order on Francis. It is now going into 10 months that we have relocated to San Diego and Francis has made one visit to our children. My proposal allowed him time with the kids every month, the only objection he had was that he said he couldn’t make it every month. (the mediator reported that he said his work wouldn’t allow it. I said he was lying. She says ‘you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink it’)----oh so painfully true. I only want him to love our children, to value them, to enjoy them. To provide a loving father experience feeling for them, it looks as though the only thing he is able to provide for them is what not to do as a father, and co parent. Its still early, they are 6, 8, and 11 who knows what the future will bring all I know and I suspect our children know as well, is that Francis can not be depended on. He is unable to provide a safe and secure presence with them. Or more accurately put he has been unable to do so since 2003, with failure peaking in 2009 perhaps  he is at a plateau in 2012.

　
　
Rewinding some, while watching the video of our wedding ceremony I have a total visceral reaction to “…love francis forever…”, I actually bit down on my jaw and anyone with a trained eye could see by my body language, facial expression etc. that I had anything but ‘love Francis forever’ within me. When Father Michael says “thru sickness and health” I choked on the words, I was a cross between crying and laughing. Little did I know that cross roads of ‘between crying and laughing’ is where I will likely remain until death does us a part.

Friends say there is light at the end of the tunnel, they say it will end. They say hang in there, it will get better. I say I am accepting it as is, and see no end, until death.

When I married I did so for all the wrong reason. I married for security. Financial security, sure I would never worry about being hungry or homeless having Francis as my husband, yet I didn’t even acknowledge the emotional security that was absent. Yes, financially I, we would be fine, however I didn’t know, nor did I ever foresee that I would become emotionally bankrupt. As irony has it, I do now worry about going hungry, there have been times, many times actually where I am unsure what I will feed the kids or pack in their lunch and the thought of being homeless is indeed a real one for me now, the irony? These unfortunate predicaments I am in are the result of Francis and his inability to care about our children (aka follow the court order). His inability to put the needs of our children above his own. His inability to accept and let go. Financially I am not secure, nope not financially sound at all. However, emotionally equipped- I am. I am secure with myself, and most sound and secure with my emotions. Our children have a safe and sound environment in which to thrive in. And that is much more valuable than any currency imaginable.

I accept the fact that  the rounds of co-parent rumbling will continue, into the abyss of family law proceedings..... until death does us apart.