Chuckles for Chucksake

Chucky: Hi. I'm Chucky, wanna play?

Remember that movie? (or actually, how could you forget!) Childs Play! Huh anything but! Chucky is a character with the possessed soul of a serial killer yet he’s dressed up like a simple childrens doll! Chucky tries to infiltrate the little boy who retained him as a toy, all so Chucky can be human. Silly concept! The soul of a serial killer could never be human? Doesn’t “serial killer” by definition mean inhumane?

　
I had a weird night of mixed sleep! Which is not uncommon being a single mom of 3 kids. Although, when all was said and done this morning and I had time to think about the weirdness in my own dreams I realized it was Chucky I dreamt about! Chucky the killer doll! (and I hate SCARY movies!! Even slapstick scary! Hate! Hate! Hate!) . This would explain why I woke feeling so out of sorts. Like I was run over by a Mack truck, then slapped with the mud flaps of said mack truck, feeling very black and blue, soft, sore and vulnerable yet suffered no physical pain.

Whenever I have a bizarre, seemingly come-out-of-nowhere dream I try to think and process through it, what led that on? What might that be about? How can this help me? Does it make sense? Sometimes I turn to dream definition / interpretation resources, but usually I find just by quieting my mind and focusing on the images this allows the feelings to surface. I then can theorize what the meaning might be.

Carl Jung my all time fave Psych Father says dreams are a way of “self healing“. 

“Dreams serve to guide the waking self to achieve wholeness and offer a solution to a problem you are facing in your waking life” .--Carl Jung

       

I love to dream, nocturnal and day dreams! I am often guided by my dreams…that is I do serious soul searching and often an answer or a direction is discovered through my dream process. A few years back I had a vivid dream that I was a big fish and I was swimming to the top and flapping aside any trash (obstacles) blocking my way. The obstacles were steel like boxes, similar to a military trunk and they were topped off with the face of my supervisor and the executive director of the agency I was practicing at, (each obstacle-authority figure-was positioned on each side of my stream) . At the time I was making the decision to stay with this agency or embark on my own into an individual practice. When I woke I felt exhausted yet rejuvenated at the same time. I felt I had entered the grieving process yet simultaneously I felt a renewed source of energy. My decision was clear to me after that dream, (and I NEVER regretted that change!)

So what’s Chucky got to do with it?? Well, ironically, the attorney who is the plaintiff in this seeking-several hundred thousand dollars-against me law suit is named Charles. I didn’t make the connection between Chucky and Charles right away. I pondered why would I dream about Chucky and Child's Play? I back tracked through my day to see if there was a trigger I could identify, then with no success there I considered the big stressors in my life to see if there was any relevance. (Being sued is definitely distressing). Uh-HuH!! ----I remembered the discussion I had earlier with a very wise man. I was discussing the terms of a so called “settlement offer” that was presented to me. It didn’t much seem like an “offer” to me, it sounded more like extortion. Nonetheless I could not let pride lead my ego and had to give it considerable thought. My conclusion led me to cry out, “but what about justice?”, --well, this wise friend of mine said as he laughed, “justice. Oh no you have to take justice out of the equation there is no room for justice…” or something to that effect. This was disheartening to me, like a child who learns the truth about Santa Claus. On an intellectual level I was aware justice has little to do with this matter, just as I was aware Santa was not entering through the chimney we did not have, but on an instinctual level I felt justice could be done, just as I feel the spirit of Santa Claus remains no matter how old a child is.

If its true- Justice doesn’t play a role in the hundreds of legal battles that are litigated on a daily basis? If so, if not for Justice then for what?

As I processed through the enlightenment of making sense out of my dream I then became irritated with the practice of law. I have said countless times that lawyers are like psychotherapists, there are way more than is needed and sadly there are a great many who do the practice a disservice, (there are bad lawyers, and there are bad therapists. Each one can appear competent and capable, even genuine yet not all are.) Almost everyone I know, if not everyone, has known of an experience with either a bad lawyer or a bad therapist or both……..

Sidebar:
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.--------- Winston Churchill

Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what a people will submit to, and you have found out the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed on them; and these will continue until they are resisted with either words or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress. Men may not get all they pay for in this world; but they must pay for all they get. ---------Frederick Douglas
When one comes to think of it, there are no such things as divine, immutable, or inalienable rights. Rights are things we get when we are strong enough to make good our claim on them. ---Helen Keller
Those who would deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, cannot long retain it. ---Abraham Lincoln
The law, for all its failings, has a noble goal – to make the little bit of life that people can actually control more just. We can’t end disease or natural disasters, but we can devise rules for our dealings with one another that fairly weigh the rights and needs of everyone, and which, therefore, reflect our best vision of ourselves.------- Scott Turow

　Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.---

A psychotherapist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychotherapist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychotherapist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."----

What does the Lord require of us? To seek justice. To love kindness. To walk humbly with our God.----Micah 6:8

Karma grows from our hearts. Karma terminates from our hearts.-----Buddha

　

Dreams can work for us. We can create a dream and through daydreaming we can visualize
what our future could look like. If we are experiencing difficult times in our life we can keep a dream journal which could help us work through some distorted and problematic thinking. Other times we just dream and upon awaking we can process the relevance in connection to our current life situation. And then, again, sometimes a dream is just a dream! ---

This Childs Play dream episode of mine is ending with the final words of
Chucky: “Go ahead and shoot! I'll be back! I ALWAYS come back!... But dying is such a bitch!”

Till Trust Do You Part…..

“I take thee, ….to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part...”

I propose we change the traditional vow to the more realistic yet less glamorous condition- “until trust do us part”.

In our society today more marriages are ending due to a breach of trust rather than the breach of life (or in other words, death).

Trust is an interesting verb, or noun? What do you think? “We have issues of trust” (noun) or “I trust him no matter what” (verb). Sounds a lot like how we fallible humans error with the whole concept of LOVE too. “I love him” (used as a noun) when followed with “…I am not in love with him”, (verb). Who do you trust? I mean really trust? Do you trust yourself?

I trust few people, and even less men. I am not about to embark upon a man bashing blog here, as easy as that can be for me. Its more about matters of the heart, I mean trust. Well, actually they go hand in hand. Can you trust someone you haven’t opened your heart up to? Can you trust someone who hasn’t opened their heart up to you? Can you trust another if you are unable to trust yourself?

Two of my Psych Fathers have different theories on developmental stages for individual growth and well being. Erik Erikson describes the first stage of psychosocial development as being the most fundamental stage in life, and rightly so it is Trust vs. Mistrust. This is a conflicting developmental milestone that occurs between birth and one year of age.

The developmental stage according to Freud’s theory that occurs during this same time period of birth to 1 year is the ORAL STAGE. According to Freud the primary source of interaction up to 1 years age occurs through the mouth. The infant seeks satisfaction and finds enjoyment through oral stimulation, such as eating and sucking.

         Both Erikson and Freud agree that survival without dependence on another is not possible. Freud reckons that because the infant at this age and stage is entirely dependent upon another they are also provided with a sense of trust and comfort. Erikson believes the development of trust is based on the dependability and quality of the one whom the dependence was sought from. Erikson’s theory says a child will successfully develop trust by being cared for by consistent and emotionally available caretakers. As a result, the child will feel safe and secure. If care is inconsistent, rejecting or provided by emotionally unavailable caretakers failure to develop trust is likely to occur which will result in fear and inconsistent and unpredictable behavior.
         Freud on the other hand, believes the primary conflict at this stage is the weaning process-where the child becomes less dependent on its caretakers. If the weaning process is strained and a developmental crisis occurs this can cause the child to become fixated. If fixation occurs at this stage the child would develop into an individual who could have issues with dependency and/or aggression. Symptoms would include a sarcastic, neurotic, sadistic personality. Oral fixation can result in problems with drinking, eating, oral sexual practices - you name it.

As I stated earlier I trust few people, and even less men. My father should have been the first man for whom I could trust. My father was a smoking, workaholic, unpredictable, emotionally unavailable man. I did not learn how to trust from him. Financial dependency maybe, trust? No. In my teen years I had no relationships with the opposite sex that were formed on a mutual basis of trust. My relationships were all based on dependence. When I had my first daughter at the age of 17 I quickly learned that my love for her was far more important than my lack of trust in him. He quickly became irrelevant and remains as such.
        There was one man I trusted in an intimate relationship and ironically he was/is my ex husbands best friend (he was my boyfriend first!). Sadly when I had dreams that I wanted to chase he didn’t want to join me in the race. I wanted to continue my education he wanted me to work full-time. He wanted to buy a house, I wanted to earn a college degree. He wanted to stay home and be lazy, I wanted to go out and be active.
        After other short lived co dependent relationships I found myself in relationship with one I thought I could trust. I only thought this because he plays the role of an innocent one so well. And he needed me. He depended on me. It wasn’t that I trusted him, it was simply that I could control him. My ex husband was very unpredictable and inconsistent. He was also a smoker and he is a drinker. He would always suck on hard candies too something our son began doing shortly after we moved, fortunately our son has stopped that obsessive like behavior. As for me, I was simply a workaholic, compulsive over-eater. (oh and yes, also very controlling).
 Looking at the theories as described by Erikson and Freud, its no wonder neither my ex nor I trusted each other. We hadn’t developed the basic sense of trust. Not as a noun or a verb. Although we were dependent on each other (as in co-dependent not inter-dependent) our hearts were not open for each other nor were we emotionally available. Three children and a Masters Degree later I developed a basic sense of trust. Along with learning to trust I became emotionally available. I realized my workaholism was an acceptable excuse to avoid the intimate relationships with my children and my husband. Wanting my children to feel safe and secure I made the effort to be consistent and emotionally available for them. I remained partnered with my profession because my husband remained the co-dependent, passive aggressive individual he had always been.

Thinking about it now, I guess “…till death do us part” was the more appropriate vow, since we hadn’t the ability to trust each other, or ourselves.

Today I received an amendment to the complaint against me, by the attorney who represented my Ex husband. Reading the amendment was quite upsetting as for the most part it was a repeat of already stated accusations/allegations, what was most alarming was what seemed like verbatim text content between my ex husband and I. I thought to myself, how could he know this? Unless he has my home bugged or phones tapped my ex husband, or someone close to him must have passed it on. So, as if it would help I called my ex and I explained there are statements that he (former attorney) could only know if you told him. My ex denied talking with him. Then he backtracked and said “unless I may have e mailed him something”. Despite my ex’s continued denial of doing what I suspect, all I could think of is that this is the same man who has lied to me over and over about innocent things (yes the kids brushed their teeth, yes I made that call) and more not so innocent (I don’t know what happened to my wedding ring, I don’t know how I lost my phone). I thought no matter what he says I cant believe him, because I don’t trust him. I never trusted him. At first I was unable to trust him because I was emotionally conflicted and didn’t trust myself. Then, as I learned to trust others, his lies and his unpredictable behavior remained consistent leaving me feeling insecure in our relationship and unsafe in our home. I was unable to open my heart up to him, and I think he was simply unable to open up his heart.

 I now trust myself, therefore I  know I can trust another.