“I take thee, ….to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part...”
I propose we change the traditional vow to the more realistic yet less glamorous condition- “until trust do us part”.
In our society today more marriages are ending due to a breach of trust rather than the breach of life (or in other words, death).
Trust is an interesting verb, or noun? What do you think? “We have issues of trust” (noun) or “I trust him no matter what” (verb). Sounds a lot like how we fallible humans error with the whole concept of LOVE too. “I love him” (used as a noun) when followed with “…I am not in love with him”, (verb). Who do you trust? I mean really trust? Do you trust yourself?
I trust few people, and even less men. I am not about to embark upon a man bashing blog here, as easy as that can be for me. Its more about matters of the heart, I mean trust. Well, actually they go hand in hand. Can you trust someone you haven’t opened your heart up to? Can you trust someone who hasn’t opened their heart up to you? Can you trust another if you are unable to trust yourself?
Two of my Psych Fathers have different theories on developmental stages for individual growth and well being. Erik Erikson describes the first stage of psychosocial development as being the most fundamental stage in life, and rightly so it is Trust vs. Mistrust. This is a conflicting developmental milestone that occurs between birth and one year of age.
The developmental stage according to Freud’s theory that occurs during this same time period of birth to 1 year is the ORAL STAGE. According to Freud the primary source of interaction up to 1 years age occurs through the mouth. The infant seeks satisfaction and finds enjoyment through oral stimulation, such as eating and sucking.
Both Erikson and Freud agree that survival without dependence on another is not possible. Freud reckons that because the infant at this age and stage is entirely dependent upon another they are also provided with a sense of trust and comfort. Erikson believes the development of trust is based on the dependability and quality of the one whom the dependence was sought from. Erikson’s theory says a child will successfully develop trust by being cared for by consistent and emotionally available caretakers. As a result, the child will feel safe and secure. If care is inconsistent, rejecting or provided by emotionally unavailable caretakers failure to develop trust is likely to occur which will result in fear and inconsistent and unpredictable behavior.
Freud on the other hand, believes the primary conflict at this stage is the weaning process-where the child becomes less dependent on its caretakers. If the weaning process is strained and a developmental crisis occurs this can cause the child to become fixated. If fixation occurs at this stage the child would develop into an individual who could have issues with dependency and/or aggression. Symptoms would include a sarcastic, neurotic, sadistic personality. Oral fixation can result in problems with drinking, eating, oral sexual practices - you name it.
As I stated earlier I trust few people, and even less men. My father should have been the first man for whom I could trust. My father was a smoking, workaholic, unpredictable, emotionally unavailable man. I did not learn how to trust from him. Financial dependency maybe, trust? No. In my teen years I had no relationships with the opposite sex that were formed on a mutual basis of trust. My relationships were all based on dependence. When I had my first daughter at the age of 17 I quickly learned that my love for her was far more important than my lack of trust in him. He quickly became irrelevant and remains as such.
There was one man I trusted in an intimate relationship and ironically he was/is my ex husbands best friend (he was my boyfriend first!). Sadly when I had dreams that I wanted to chase he didn’t want to join me in the race. I wanted to continue my education he wanted me to work full-time. He wanted to buy a house, I wanted to earn a college degree. He wanted to stay home and be lazy, I wanted to go out and be active.
After other short lived co dependent relationships I found myself in relationship with one I thought I could trust. I only thought this because he plays the role of an innocent one so well. And he needed me. He depended on me. It wasn’t that I trusted him, it was simply that I could control him. My ex husband was very unpredictable and inconsistent. He was also a smoker and he is a drinker. He would always suck on hard candies too something our son began doing shortly after we moved, fortunately our son has stopped that obsessive like behavior. As for me, I was simply a workaholic, compulsive over-eater. (oh and yes, also very controlling).
Looking at the theories as described by Erikson and Freud, its no wonder neither my ex nor I trusted each other. We hadn’t developed the basic sense of trust. Not as a noun or a verb. Although we were dependent on each other (as in co-dependent not inter-dependent) our hearts were not open for each other nor were we emotionally available. Three children and a Masters Degree later I developed a basic sense of trust. Along with learning to trust I became emotionally available. I realized my workaholism was an acceptable excuse to avoid the intimate relationships with my children and my husband. Wanting my children to feel safe and secure I made the effort to be consistent and emotionally available for them. I remained partnered with my profession because my husband remained the co-dependent, passive aggressive individual he had always been.
Thinking about it now, I guess “…till death do us part” was the more appropriate vow, since we hadn’t the ability to trust each other, or ourselves.
Today I received an amendment to the complaint against me, by the attorney who represented my Ex husband. Reading the amendment was quite upsetting as for the most part it was a repeat of already stated accusations/allegations, what was most alarming was what seemed like verbatim text content between my ex husband and I. I thought to myself, how could he know this? Unless he has my home bugged or phones tapped my ex husband, or someone close to him must have passed it on. So, as if it would help I called my ex and I explained there are statements that he (former attorney) could only know if you told him. My ex denied talking with him. Then he backtracked and said “unless I may have e mailed him something”. Despite my ex’s continued denial of doing what I suspect, all I could think of is that this is the same man who has lied to me over and over about innocent things (yes the kids brushed their teeth, yes I made that call) and more not so innocent (I don’t know what happened to my wedding ring, I don’t know how I lost my phone). I thought no matter what he says I cant believe him, because I don’t trust him. I never trusted him. At first I was unable to trust him because I was emotionally conflicted and didn’t trust myself. Then, as I learned to trust others, his lies and his unpredictable behavior remained consistent leaving me feeling insecure in our relationship and unsafe in our home. I was unable to open my heart up to him, and I think he was simply unable to open up his heart.
I now trust myself, therefore I know I can trust another.
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